Did you really say that?

Often I find myself baffled at some of the things my dear sweet husband says.
When Austin and I first started dating, he was normal, I say that word loosely because I don't think hes abnormal now.
He has definitely let himself loose over the years.

Some things that he says I question, some I laugh, and others I just wonder did he really say that??

Saint Patricks day, Austin feels as though he should be extra festive, and only speak to me in an Irish accent.
Its funny for the first three minutes.

As we watched Thor, Austin felt the need to demand that I, "feel this goblet full of smashed tea leaves my lady."

When I brought up if we were ready to have more children, I got, "you want my baby grave?"

What the hell is baby gravy? Way to romance a woman!
Austin is extremely vulgar, maybe that's why I like most about him?
I have no clue.

He always wants to invent something.
A day doesn't go by that he hasn't told me about his new invention that will make millions.

I always announce when I have to go pee, I'm not sure why because every time he will reply, 'want me to watch?'

He has such a great sense of humor that always keeps me on my feet.
I'm really not sure where he comes up with half the stuff he says to me, I want to start writing them down though.
I shall call it, what the eff is this.
I kid, but in all honesty I hope Own is as funny as Austin.
He already has a great sense of humor, but is kinda an ahole like his mom.
Yes, I just said my kid is an ahole, sue me.

I often filter what I say on my blog in fear people may not like me, at this point I don't care.
You will love me or hate.

Friday? Already?

How is it Friday already?
Where has this week gone?
Remember how I said I was going to do a cleanse this week and get back on track...
Monday, I had every intention to do that.
Woke up and went to the gym, had a great work out and I felt great!
Tuesday, I woke up to snow.
Snow.
Snow.
Snow, snow everywhere.
It continued to snow all day.
Wednesday as well.
I drive a SUV, a mommy car with out four wheel drive.
I am also from Texas, and we freak out if it gets below 30 degrees outside.
We don't have mountains in the town I am from, and I don't have to salt my walk way in the town I am from. With that, no way I was getting myself of my sweet toddler out in it, especially since they are actually closing schools down.
If the pros don't want to drive in it, this momma sure isn't!

So Thursday, I decided I should start potty training Owen.
Prior to me actually deciding on a date and doing it, we went shopping, Owen got to pick out his big boy undies, candy, and we bought some books about going potty.
I read about how to potty train without discouraging your young one and I have been trying to prepare for this for a good month on my own.
Austin and I have both been talking to Owen about being mommy and daddy's big boy now, and wearing big boy undies..we tell him Iron Man wears big boy undies and I sing to him about going poop in the potty.
So Thursday, I woke up changed his diaper and told him diapers are going bye-bye, and when he goes potty he gets candy.
I also felt that if he got rewarded with a piece of candy then clearly I should too.
Thursday-Monday we have our days at home.
Blocked off the house and we are staying in the kitchen and living room with his potty.
I talked to a friend about her tricks that she does as well to get some helpful tips from someone who has potty trained.
We limited Owens juice and milk yesterday, and stuck with water.
I brought down all his undies, and we set on the potty every thirty minutes.
Nap time, I put these plastic underwear on him so that if he peed, he would feel that he peed but it wouldn't make a mess, luckily he was dry after nap time.
He peed in his potty five times yesterday and I couldn't have been prouder!
Six o'clock I cut him off fluids because he goes to bed about 7:30.
He went potty before bed, and I put the plastics on him and prayed for him to be dry!
Woke up at 7:30 this morning.....to DRY undies!
WOOOOHOOOOOO!!
Put him on the potty, bam bam thank you ma'am he went pee!

Hopefully day 2 of potty training will go as well as day one did!
I mean a mom can dream can't she?
Next week we will venture out to get Owen a big boy bed....
Then I will be in denial that my sweet boy is getting bigger, and my uterus will probably be on fire for another baby.
It's only natural...

Does that make me crazy?

Before I go further, I realize I am a bit on the crazy side...
Don't ever call me it though, because indeed I will show you just how crazy I am.

It's in my DNA.

So, Austin has been wanting to watch Silver Linings Playbook since it came out.
I was very hesitant of it because I saw the movie, and I noticed some similarities in Tiffany and myself. If you have seen this movie, she has some depression issues, some commitment issues, and has been on different medications. She also may or may not say inappropriate things.

Well, Austin and I watched it.
He said, 'You know that was a pretty good movie, a lot of her qualities are ones you have that attracted me to you.'
Red flag anybody?

So you mean to tell me, the one thing I am super self conscious about, you find attractive?

He didn't go that far with it, he just said I am very passionate and my moods seem to change at any moment.

Example: "Chaddy, I want to take K'lynn to the movies tonight you said you would watch Owen. Be here at 6:45, not 6:46 because she will flip shit and we wont go."
At 6:43 Chaddy text me to say he's at the red light don't cancel.

In a way I am very controlling.
I don't like change at all.
It scares the hell out of me.
I don't like hurting people.
I will let people do what ever they want, say what they want, take my last dollar, Austin says its because I am caring--I say its because I am stupid.
I don't ever do the fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
Its a fool me a thousand times because I dread the day someone hurts as much as I have.

 

The smallest things make me freak. I am no where near being OCD, but if someone says they are coming over and dishes are in the sink, I lose my shit.

If I forget something at the store for dinner...I will cancel dinner.
I have my flaws, I am aware of this.
It's getting better though.

If you threaten me, I lose my shit.
Once someone said I was a bad mother because I went out for my twenty-second birthday. Owen was at home with Austin, and my friends got a hotel for us. It was my first time to drink since having Owen, and someone said I was an alcoholic and a bad mother.
Talk about going Miranda Lambert on her ass.
Don't talk about my husband, my children, or my family.
Don't call me a bad mother, or an unfit mother.
I had a unfit mother, and I will do all I can to ensure that nurture won.


Those are just some things that set me off, I mean does that make me crazy?

A post on the weekend? Whatttt?!

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
It's snowing, whats new?
The first five times it snowed I thought it was beautiful! I have never seen so much snow, and I was so happy that Owen enjoyed it too!
Now, all I can think is: get that shat under control!

This week I am doing a nice little body cleanse to get myself back on track, I may even order the herbal cleanse from advocare! I especially want to get fifteen pounds off by March because now...we are going to Texas for a visit!
What-what!! I am oober excited to see my friends and family!
I am also excited that it will be mine and Austins three year wedding anniversary, and we are gonna go see the Johny Hendricks fight! Best husband ever!
I am also excited about my movie date!

Let me start by saying, what started as me finding out a movie was a book series has turned into much more!
December I started reading The Mortal Instruments...twenty-five books later as well as a new great friend...its easy to say I have a problem!
I have always loved reading. I have such a vivid imagination and love the places a good book can take you.
Now, I have read so many books, and have a nerdy, book loving friend who loves them just as much!
March we will be seeing The Divergent! Yes, it is based off a book. A damn good one too!

I have read so many books this past month all I can think is, I hope I don't ever lose my kindle, someone may think I am into some weird things.

Austin gets onto some of the things I read.
Some have some sex...by some I mean most the books I read have a good one or two million sex scenes. No big, I am an adult, we all know how Owen got here...but lets take a look at a conversation Austin and I had...

Me: Austin, this isn't real sex, or maybe it is and we need to get in gear!
Austin: Those people aren't married, I would love to hear about a book written after this series..it would be now were married and never do it! A novel based of men and how they have stinky balls, or how the wife isn't in the 'mood' or how all of a sudden shes always cramping. I mean how many times do your books talk about the super hot girl popping her hot sex machine boy toys pimples? Lets get real K'lynn, you want me to go all fifty shades on you?

I mean he has a point now doesn't he?
Seriously, best husband award would go to Austin! As much as he pisses me off and I want to punch him in is throat..I love him more.

So now, I am up to all hours of the night with Chelsey talking about new books, making fun of people, or simply discussing how are children are going to get married one day.
It's nice knowing someone who has the same interest and isn't a trash ball.

This week is gym mode, clean mode, and get ready for spring mode.
I want to be in the 170's by the time I go home to visit the family.
I want my house to be so clean, you would think Cinderella lived here.
I am gonna get my little stinker Owen potty trained.
Kid needs a hair cut too!
Maybe after March, we will get a baby in the oven? Who knows only time can tell.

Blended family

Being married to someone who was previously married, and shares a child with someone is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done.
Before you jump to conclusions and act as though I am jealous or crazy hear me out.
I don't care that Austin had previous relations with someone else, I don't care how many relations that he had that was his past, and I am his present.
Austin wasn't my first boyfriend, he was the first 'man' I dated though.
Austin having a daughter doesn't bother me at all, I came into the relationship knowing that I would often have to jump hoops to please others.
And I have.
Saying it has been a walk in the park would be a lie.
I have faced many trials in my life and none compares to being a parent to someone who you did not birth.
I feel as though not only do I want to please Brylee, but I have to ensure how I am with her will please Austin as well as Brylees mother.
I have to watch and not cross boundaries.
I am constantly trying to ensure that I don't treat Owen differently then I do Brylee, when the truth is I know that I do. I know that anytime I go somewhere with Owen, I make sure to buy something for Brylee so she doesn't feel left out.
I feel I can't ever just enjoy Owen with out feeling guilty that someone will say I don't enjoy Brylee as well. It's a constant battle, because I know some people will think I don't care for her.
I do.
I came into her life at two and instantly loved that child.
I also know it has been a struggle lately with her.
I am now her 'step mother' not her parent. She is at a age where I am not her 'real' mom, and can't tell her what to do.
Which is fine, I signed up for this, and I know one day she will have questions that I simply can't answer.
I know one day she will want to live with us, and get pissed off and storm to her mothers.
I know one day she will learn how to play us against each other.
I also know one day I will know exactly what to say and how to say it.
So for now, this is what I have:

Brylee,
You are so young and eager to learn.
I have so much hope for you in your future and know that you will succeed in everything to you put your mind too.
I know at time you don't understand things.
Let me let you in on a secret, either do I.
I know lately you have struggled with this whole arrangement, and I am not sure why, but that's not my place to decide what you should or shouldn't feel.
I want you to know, that Owen and Harbor were both supposed to come into this world.
God has a plan, and they were apart of his plan. I don't ever what you to feel as though your mommy and daddy turned away from you, they both new that mommy had to have Nik, and daddy had to have me to make our families work.
I am sure it doesn't make sense, but that's okay it doesn't need to.
You are so focused on not having the same name as your mom, or feeling as though you can't love me and Nik in fear it will hurt the other people.
That's not true.
We all love you more then anything.
At times we may be sad.
At times we may get hurt, but that doesn't change that we don't love you.
This is all a journey for us, not just you.
There is no right way to raise you, but there is a wrong way.
And we don't want to raise you feeling a sense of entitlement, we don't want you to ever feel that you are better then others, we want you to have a relationship with God, we want you to thrive, we want you to excel, we want you to know your manners, we want you to be able to laugh, to cry to live life to the fullest.
I am not your mother, and I would never try to be your mother, that's not my job.
You have a mother who can love you, and nurture you, share with you her secrets, teach you and guide you.
I am simply a parent. I want the same things for you that your dad wants, and maybe even more.
I see the potential in you.
I know how smart you are.
I don't want you to ever feel as I am 'to hard' on you, that's not it at all. I love you like my own, and want the best things for you.
At times, that maybe hard for you to see, and that's okay I will understand and I will still love you, because that's my job.
I don't have all the answers to the questions you ask, I don't know if I ever will.
I do have two arms to hold you, and two ears to hear you.
Never forget that.

I want a mac.

Most might say I am 'bratty' for saying I want a Mac.
Guess what, I don't care.
Austin and I were very poor the first year we got married and we both went with out a lot.
We still don't do a lot for ourselves, always for the kids or family. When we do get each other things it's usually big things, so yes technically I am spoiled, but so is Austin.

My computer I have now is a piece.
A piece of what you may ask...a piece of SHIT.
I try to make it work, but often it freezes and I can't upload or do anything so it's hard to blog.
Which brings me back to wanting a Mac. Not any time soon, but eventually it would be great.
I will probably shoot to get one when I decided to go back to school. Touchy subject so lets move on.

I got up today, got my spark, made breakfast, and went to the gym. It was such a rush. How did I go almost two weeks without getting in?!
Yes I got effing tired as all get out.
I even got the munchies today.
I know its gonna be a hard transition with the food, once again. Story of my life. I love to eat.
But good ol' Demi got me through my work out

All the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I was broken and bruised
Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been

It's a slow song, but that ish gets you going.
Put that on repeat and I remembered who I am and what I want.
Where I have come from, and a hour later I am tired. I am burnt. But I came for what I wanted.

I am no fitness guru.
I am no expert.
I am not a runner.
I am no health nut.
I am overweight.
I am a mother.
I am a wife.
I have stretch marks.
I have rolls.
I have insecurities.
I have a long way to go.
But I'm not broken.
I may stop at times, but I will keep going.
Losing weight, and trying to get healthy is not easy.
Gaining weight, and shoveling food into my mouth is easy peasy.
I wont regret leg day, I will regret eating a bag of white cheddar popcorn and devouring a 12 pack of bold, rich 23 flavors of Dr. Pepper goodness in a week.
I will have a ton of first days.
I will have a ton of Monday's.
I will not have a 'I quit' day.
Ever again.
I constantly hear others talking about why they are overweight, and how they want to lose it but have no idea how they got there.
Has to be health reasons.
No way in hell can I really be considered obese.
I was there.
No it's not some crazy hormonal reason that you gained weight.
Yes, you can lose it.
Don't make excuses, get up and do it.
I'm not harsh.
I'm not being cruel.
At some point you will hit your bottom, and wish you started before you hit.
I was crying how fat I was in November 2012, and I was weighing around 180.
I let myself get up to 220, before I took control and decided to change.
I still have ways to go.
I still have tears to cry.
It doesn't happen over night.
It doesn't happen in a week.
Time will tell you everything about yourself.
Time will help you heal.
This journey has been a lot more then just weight loss.
I have battled inner demons with myself. I have forgiven. I have grown.
If I come out of this at my goal weight, of course I will be happy, but I will be more happy with the fact that I have self love.

Pull my head outta my butt Friday!

So, I haven't been to the gym at all this week.
I am feeling it too! I am grumpy and frumpy. Is frumpy a word?
First half of the week I had legit reasons and watched my eating, second half I just didn't go.
I really need to pull my head outta my butt and get to it.
Monday, we are going hard. I haven't worked my butt off, cried, and bought new clothes for nothing!
I haven't really been invested in anything. I have been talking to a new friend and just been enjoying myself with other things.
I don't talk about friends really because I don't have many, except Kaela...I will put her on blast all day erry day. So having a new one who has a baby Owens age and shares the same interest has been nice.
Still, I need to get in gear.\
I have a goal set to be down fifteen more lbs by March. I know once I get back in my groove I can and will achieve it. Operation Christmas 15 in 25 days, I didn't really think I could do it, but I lost 8. So this time, I can't get the mind set of me not being able to do, I just gotta do it.
Suck it up or suck it in.

Austin has been working a lot, and I am feeling that also. His job is hard, and puts a strain on us.
I am very thankful that he works as much and as hard as he does. That's never been the problem, I am also just very needy and emotional and like to have him home with us. I need to get better at the way I act towards his job though, that's been difficult for me. It may have a lot to do with that I have been in my funk so I have just lashed out on him.
Change. Big changes.

This weekend I really want to focus on getting the house together, spending time with Austin and
Owen, and mentally prepare myself for the physical ass kick I will be getting this next week!
I know I can do this.
I'm not sure what's been dragging me down or making me second guess myself, but I got this.
Always have, and always will.

Family, the ugly truth.

I'm sure I am going to piss some people off, but you know what that's okay.
I have thought long and hard on this post, and today's the day I write it.
Family.

What does family mean to you?
Some say family is blood, actually most say, 'we have the same blood, we're family' when they get in a heated argument with a family member.
Family is not blood. That is just showing you share DNA with each other.
The people whom I share blood with I haven't seen or spoken too in over ten years.

The people who I call family though, they took my brother and I into there home, and raised two troubled kids who didn't share blood with them.

They accepted my now husbands daughter as there own, even when we were just dating.
I have friends who I consider more family to me then people who are actually family.
It's crazy how that works.

 

 

 

 

Austin and I both come from two different families.
Austin has four brothers and sisters from the same parents, a younger brother and sister from the same mother, and two step brothers from his fathers second marriage.

 

 

I have one biological brother. My parents, they were are foster parents, and then adopted us in to there family. They also adopted a little girl, who I see just as much as my sister as my brother.
My mother has five siblings, and my father has one.
My aunt adopted two children, who are my cousins. Period. They aren't my blood, but they are my family.
My other aunt has five children, and her husbands mother passed away. Grandma Kim, she was my grandma. Ya, she was my Ya. I have so much love  for these people, that it's crazy to think we aren't related. How is it so easy for complete strangers to accept you as one, yet people you were born into and people you grow up with can be so hateful?
I get mad at my mom, I have resentment of things I think should have happened that didn't, but I love her more then anything. She took me into her home when I had more problems then most and raised me the best she could, and I will always be thankful for that. I have an understanding for love that not many do.
I see so many who take life for granted or treat family horrible.
People who say I play the victim if I don't get my way.
Playing the victim has nothing to do with anything.
I don't see life black and white, I have seen all the in between.
I don't care for people that are negative and think its okay to hurt me or put me down.
I have accepted it, because at one point I thought that is how the world work.
It's not.
If you can't confide in someone that is your 'family' there is nothing wrong with that.
My mother always told me, 'it's not about the wedding, its about the marriage' and I feel family is the same way.
People come in and out of your life for many reasons.
Find the ones worth keeping.
Find the ones you cant go a day with out talking too.
Find the ones who you want your children to grow up knowing.
That's family.
Birth Certificates, blood, that doesn't mean anything.
The relationship, the bond, the trust and compassion you have for someone---that's what counts.

hello negative 7 degrees.

It's Monday!
The start of a new week.
A fresh new start, and it's snowing.
It's freezing outside.
It's below freezing!
What is this madness??
My mommy car, sweet ol' June isn't prepared for all this.
Yes, my cars name is June...after June Carter.
I need to get back in the gym. I feel so grungy, and I feel fluffy.
I miss you sweet gym!

My mother in law and Brylee are flying back to Texas today.
I would say our visit went pretty well. Stressful at times, but I enjoyed the break as well as the company.

I had a dream yesterday about fresh bread.
Strange, huh?
Is this a clue that I am over doing it on the carbs?
A slap in the face that my legs are getting to jiggly?
I took it as a sign that Austin and I needed to go to this Italian place and eat super delish bread! It is the best bread ever! I wish I new how to make homemade bread! Maybe I don't, I would be eating it constantly!!

We had a pretty good weekend, but I will have to admit I am ready to get back in routine. I'm not the same person I once was. I used to love big crowds and loudness. Now, I am so used to being alone, I crave alone time. I crave my routine. I probably sound ridiculous, but it's true. I took our Christmas decorations down, but still need to get the tree down. I have about three loads of laundry to do, floors to sweep, and a bathroom to scrub. I am in New Year mode. I'm a week late, but I am ready! I also need to get some groceries, but if I'm not going to the gym due to this blizzard, I wont be going to the store. Maybe I can talk Austin into taking me to both! Probably not, he is pretty tired!

Looks like I am going to start my day.
Tomorrow, I want to talk about family. The ugly truth.

snow.

Mason and Hootie are on the plane heading back to Texas.
Brylee and Owen are watching a movie.
I am making stew and doing laundry.
Austin and Deedee are taking a nap.
It's snowing. Snowing like it's going out of style!
I have only been to the gym once this week, but I have read four books...does that count??

I know I need to get my booty in gear! I am so ready for the gym this week!

This year has started off great! I haven't been able to blog as often as I want, but that will change once we get back on schedule.

I haven't thought of any new year goals really, but I know that this is a new year, so it will also be a new me.

I plan to continue working out, and starting a new way of clean eating. I would like to lose another thirty pounds, but I don't have an end date to achieve this. I just want to work my ass off, and keep moving forward like I have been.
I want to be a better wife and a better mother. I don't think I am a bad wife or mother, but we can always improve ourselves at everything that we do. I want to say 'no' less, and encourage more! I want Owen to be able to discover things as well.
I want to get Owen potty trained officially, He did really well going number two in the potty, but not number one. So our goal is getting him in big boy undies, and a big boy bed!
I want to take a vacation with our family. Now is the time to make beautiful memories with our children, we may even decided to expand our family of four, to a family of five...I want to plan less.
I want less stress in my life and more laughter. I am a very anxious person, and I want to learn how to cope with spur of the moment things.

I don't have very many friends, I have two that I talk too every day, and I made a new one recently. I want to have strong, long lasting friendships. I don't need a million friends, I am content with my life. I just want to be the friend who is always there no matter what. I want to be held accountable for my actions, and I want to make memories that will last forever.

I don't have 'goals' that I can make, and possibly quit. I have things I wish to improve.

Today's post isn't a long one, but stay tuned for next week!